Fifty Shades of Why

Y’know, I get it. I get that the whole ‘you are mine thing’ is really hot for a lot of people.

However, given the context in which Christian is saying it—to a girl he’s known for less than a week and whom he has stalked somewhat extensively—its overwhelming creepiness overrides any potential sexiness.

The misplaced commas in the dialogue are so painful. I can’t bring myself to fix them all. I am overwhelmed by an avalanche of improper punctuation.

I’m calling it now: Ana never actually thinks about or says yes to Christian’s offer, she just goes along with whatever he wants without consenting to it.

There are two psychological concepts I feel will come in handy to explain Ana’s thoughts and feelings right about now: cognitive dissonance and splitting.

Cognitive dissonance is a disruption in mood one feels when one has two thoughts, feelings, or assumptions that conflict with one another. Ana’s confusion and discomfort about Christian are, in part, a result of her inability to reconcile her simultaneous views of Christian as good and bad man.

The views in question are, I would theorize, a result of splitting, a process by which an individual primarily conceives of and personifies others around him or herself as either purely virtuous or purely villainous. Ana is fluctuating rapidly between a perception of Christian as hero and of Christian as evildoer, which is causing the aforementioned cognitive dissonance and preventing her from being rational about Christian’s ambiguous sexual proposition.

Get out of there, Ana. I don’t care how hot he is. I don’t care if he’s Brad Pitt. If he says you have to sign a non-disclosure contract before you have sex with him, get the fuck out as fast as you can.

Is it just me, or does Christian already want to control every single aspect of Ana’s life? Creepy.

Also, how long does it take before orange juice ceases to be freshly squeezed? If it’s been sitting out on Ana’s bedside table while she sleeps, it can’t be that fresh.

I may have made a grave error. I assumed that Ana’s thoughts operated on logic.

The only thing consistent about E.L.’s writing is that it’s bad.

Oh, also: This is the 200th edit post I’ve made on Fifty Shades of Why. Thank you all for sticking with me. Here’s to another—uh, let me get out my calculator.

Another 3000 or so posts. At least.

We’re gonna be here for a while.

Normally I see people using quotations to bulk out their word count in term papers, not in erotic novels about sadistic CEOs with a fixation on historical figures from the 1800s and 1900s.